Changing the system: Privilege, loss and vulnerability

Many people have misguidedly referred to the COVID-19 pandemic as the “great leveller”, saying that the virus doesn’t discriminate and can destroy anyone’s life. Aside from the fact that our existing inequalities in society are already showing that there is a huge disparity in the impact of the virus - from higher mortality rates for BAME patients to the poverty that many people with insecure employment are experiencing.  - if privileged people are not willing to confront the feelings of loss and powerlessness that they are experiencing right now, and recognise what that means for the comfort that they are afforded normally, then there is a real risk that nothing about our society will change. 

My work for many years has revolved around changing the system and challenging the status quo in some form. Anyone that’s in this line of work will know just how exhausting it is when the people you really need to engage with that change are the ones who are very comfortable existing within our current system. These people are hard to change the mindset of unless they are struck with a sudden epiphany through something they experience with their own eyes - whether it’s the father who suddenly discovers the way his daughter is treated by other men, a white mother who sees a black mother being ignored or overlooked in the same groups or situations that she is applauded or embraced, or the person who thought their financial success was built off of pure hard work until they were struck by a long-term illness that left them with nothing except the realisation that our lot in life has more to do with the lottery of birth than they’d like to believe.

I’ve worked with many people in the Diversity & Inclusion space who have sought a way of manufacturing these moments of epiphany through their work in order to speed along the learning journey. Of course in many ways the Covid pandemic offers a moment like this. Through this experience perhaps people will build empathy for, and recognition of, the obstacles that others are confronted with day in day out.

“The identity of many privileged and powerful people is rarely bought under the microscope in this way unless they invest their own time and money into making that so. “ Photo by Charis Gegelman on Unsplash

“The identity of many privileged and powerful people is rarely bought under the microscope in this way unless they invest their own time and money into making that so. “ Photo by Charis Gegelman on Unsplash

But change is often harder when it comes to working with people who occupy a middle ground. The people who want to be progressive, who know intellectually that the system is failing us all. Perhaps they themselves may have experienced discrimination or hardship at some point in their lives, and of course they can point to everything that everyone else does which is perpetuating inequality. But when they are confronted with the need to change something about themselves, or let go of something that has given them safety or security in our changing world, they get defensive, shut down the conversations and refuse to believe they are part of the problem. As an example, I’ve seen white women fight tooth and nail to get senior men to reveal their salaries in the name of equality, but when the question of making all salaries transparent is put on the table they balk at the idea of sharing theirs and say it is not them that is the problem.

It’s not until recently that I finally realised that this defensiveness comes in part from our inability to reckon with feelings of loss and vulnerability. People who are marginalised will sadly have had to come to terms with loss and vulnerability too many times as they navigate through a world that repeatedly tries to erase them through misrepresentation or no representation at all in many parts of our society and history. But those who occupy privileged positions rarely have to even contend with the idea of vulnerability or loss of power. They can have whatever they want, they can say whatever they want or they can be whoever they want. 

With this comes an emotional insecurity that holds each of us back from confronting our privilege and our own role in either changing or perpetuating the system. When someone feels a sense of loss in their life, no matter how inconsequential it may seem in the bigger picture, it cuts right to their core. And when that occurs people quite often either block it out (and respond defensively or dismissively) or perform futile self-pity or self-flagellation (white guilt comes to mind). 

Trust me, I’ve experienced both of these things many times over. But it wasn’t until I started working with a therapeutic coach, Janice, that I’ve started to see that process of grieving and loss as a hugely liberating experience that actually allows us to expand our worlds rather than shrink them. Janice has a deep understanding of the role that our childhoods, families and generational histories have on how we perpetuate that history and learned behaviours. She’s helped me to invest time in the process of accepting who I am, recognising my unhealthy perceptions and actively choosing to let go of behaviours that I once thought served me well.

The identity of many privileged and powerful people is rarely bought under the microscope in this way unless they invest their own time and money into making that so. There are so many powerful and privileged people who fear change because they fear loss, and they fear loss because they fear not being in control. And thus the cycle of oppression and inequality is perpetuated or even exacerbated by “increasingly desperate efforts to preserve power”.

So for everyone who believes in a fairer system in which everyone can thrive it is our responsibility to use this time to look deeply within ourselves, grapple with the loss that we might be fearing and recognise how we protect the status quo because of that. And when we eventually allow ourselves to feel that loss, and follow the change that needs to occur within us, we will come out the other side having gained something far greater than control and security - we will have discovered authenticity, agency and a deep love for ourselves and others.